The war within

1. Finding out that my mother had cancer was the most surprising news I have ever received. I was literally in shock. I remember talking to my eldest brother over the phone wishing him a happy birthday. Sadly there was nothing happy about this day, he had just found out about the cancer and told me about it after I had wished him a happy birthday. I don't remember the conversation going much further. I remember sitting in silence felling like a small and confused child. My mother was my hero, so for me to accept the fact that she was going to die was inconceivable. Honestly I don't remember felling much of anything except for confusion. No fear, no pain, or no sadness, at least not at that moment. At that moment I was physically and emotionally numb. If it wasn't for my son I my have never made it out of the black hole I was quickly falling into. I can not recall how long I sat there felling completely paralyzed, however, as soon as my son touched my leg and said "momma" in his sweet little voice I looked at him, I picked him up, I held him in my arms and quietly began to cry.